Quite the title, huh? The following lessons weren't learned just through mowing the lawn.. it's more of an example of how much I have grown over the last year or so. Keep reading for more details...
My yard. My yard is big- for being in town. I think it's big.. about .25 acre-- I have a push mower. My mower doesn't always start right away- sometimes it takes some work. It takes about an hour to an hour and a half to pick up the sticks and mow. Not too bad, right?
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-SIDE NOTE-
My wonderful friends. Dominique and Nicole. They were kind enough, before I left for Las Vegas, to offer to help me in any way if they could. I took them up on it. They have been mowing my yard for me until I got home. I'm thankful for them. For friends like them. They do not live in my little town- but rather about 15 minutes away. They came over every week for several weeks to mow my yard. I think Dom had an easier time than Nicole.. but they did it. They didn't complain about it (except for the one time Nicole couldn't get the mower started...what a funny story!! ;-) ha ha..) . I'm so thankful for that. For them.
They have been there for me numerous times- They helped me with my basement last summer when it flooded. They also had water in their basement- but they still took time out of their cleanup time to come help me. But not just physically with yard and house work, they were there for me emotionally as well- especially last spring and summer. I spent a lot of nights over there just hanging out and being with someone- and even though a lot of times when I couldn't talk about how I was feeling.. because at times I didn't even really know how I was feeling... I always knew they were there. Nicole calls me, we can go days and even weeks without talking.. but when we do talk it's as if we are just picking up where we left off. They are selfless. And I appreciate them. I hope you all have a friend or friends like this. They make life better, and easier.
*Thank you Dom and Nicole...*
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That was a side thought that I needed to write- back to mowing. So I was mowing my yard the other day, and thinking a lot. For some reason this always happens. I don't know if it's the sound- because the mower is so loud? It really gives me time to think. Or maybe the constant walking back and forth... I don't know- but something about it always leads me to thinking. I think and look at Keith's yard. My neighbor Keith. Keith and his wife live just behind me. They are an older retired couple. (Keith is the kind gentleman who helped me when I got stuck on my roof last year after my ladder fell while cleaning out the gutters.. but that's a whole different post!!) Keith has a lot of time to put into his yard. It's perfectly manicured. His backyard is probably about half or even less that the size of mine- and he probably spends AT LEAST double the time on it. Sometimes I wonder what he must think of my yard!!!
At this time last year I was still waiting for my divorce to be final. I often felt extremely exhausted. Certain things, such as mowing the lawn, were especially exhausting for me. Things that I wasn't completely responsible for before living alone seemed nearly impossible. I remember last summer looking out at my extremely long grass and feeling completely overwhelmed. It wasn't that I couldn't do it- or even that I didn't want to do it- but it was the effort it took. If any of you have ever been through a situation similar to mine, you probably understand. If not- you might not understand, and that's OK. I simply felt that I could NOT mow the yard, because I didn't have the energy it took to pick up sticks, put fuel in the mower, get it started (which isn't always easy), and mow. It sounds simple. The other day it was simple. But last year at this time, it was hard. It was frustrating. And it was so sad. I remember at one point last year I was half way done with mowing the back hard. Every time I would be facing Keith's yard I wondered if I could ever have a yard that looked as good as his. It made me feel inadequate.. like I was never going to be good enough to do this... or to make it through this season of my life. About that time the mower quit. I tried several times to pull the string to get it started again. Nothing. I fell into the grass and started crying. One of those really ugly cries. Right there in the middle of my backyard. Keith probably thought I was a crazy person. :-)
I felt like I couldn't do it and I would never be able to get over that overwhelming feeling of failure. I went from helping take care of this house and yard, to being completely responsible for it. I had to grow up in ways that I never thought I would have to. I was forced to learned how to fix things, to learn how to take care of the yard, how to clean out the gutters, and most importantly how to ask for help.
For the longest time I kept telling myself that I had failed. I had failed everyone who sat in the church and watched me say my vows. I wasn't going to fail at taking care of my house, too. I didn't want help. I played the Ms. Independent role. I told people I was fine when I wasn't. That can only last so long....
After many hard lessons and many tears later, I learned to be humble. I learned that it was OK to ask for help.. and it was OK to accept it when I got it. I learned that I wasn't a failure. That the people who loved me then, still love and support me now. I learned that most importantly, God loves me. He still loves me. I am not unworthy of His love. And His love will never fail. Not now, not ever. It's really quite amazing. It was such a hard lesson to learn. I would NEVER EVER wish this lesson upon anyone- but I'm glad I had to learn it. I have a new attitude on mowing (and life) these days....
Can I mow the yard?
-Absolutely
Is it OK to ask for help when I need it?
-Absolutely
Will my yard EVER look as good as Keith's?
-Absolutely NOT
Is that OK?
-Absolutely :-)
I'm at such a better place now. I CAN mow the yard. It's NOT that exhausting. It's actually kind of relaxing. I needed to feel this way the other day. I'm thankful that I know that I can take care of myself, and this house. I can be Ms Independent, but I also know and believe now that it's OK to ask for help when I need it. I'm still learning, and growing.... everyday, and that is ABSOLUTELY OK!!! :-)
