Homesick.

Well- it is Sunday night- the Sunday I hoped would never come... the end of my week and a half long vacation back to Iowa/Missouri with my family. I think that is the only BAD thing about vacation.... it ends. It always ends. What a bummer.

I always try to have a positive attitude on life. I know that I'm where I am supposed to be... that I'm here for a reason, to fulfill some purpose for a God that can see so much further into my life than I can. I know that I will be OK. I will settle back into my Connecticut life and routine just fine. I know that as much as I will miss my family, that they will be there in Iowa when I go home again. I know that although I miss my nephew Creighton and niece Ellery more than words.... I will see them again in a few months. I know that my sister misses me just as much as I miss her...and for some silly reason I find some comfort in that. I know that my friends who really love me are still going to be my friends when I get home. I know I chose to travel. I knew it would be hard. I know in the grand scheme of this life that the next few months will fly by... and in the future it will be a distant memory. I know all of these things. I know I need to "bring my own sunshine" to every situation.......

BUT... this is my blog and right now, even though I know all of those things, I am going to blunt and honest. I do not want to be here. I feel like I'm having a small little pity party- a short moment of bad attitude... and because this is my blog I want to remember this feeling--to grow from it.  I want to be home. I wanted to leave that vacation and go HOME. Not to Connecticut, but to Iowa. I wanted my old life back... the simple life I used to have where I lived at the house where I still pay that mortgage, where I had so many friends within 10-20 minutes from my house, where my family was a short drive away.... I wanted to go home. I wanted to work at Mercy where everyone I work with is a friend and where I felt so confident in who I was and what I was doing. I wanted to be able to drive two hours and see my mom. I miss her so much.

I feel like in some ways the last week was a dream. I cannot explain how it feels.. it's just weird. When I flew into Omaha and hugged my  nephew again and got a sweet smile from my niece... I fell right back into the swing of the way I feel like life should be. I got that amazing bear hug from my sister and best friend. At that moment Connecticut was a dream. I was "home"....loving and soaking up every single second of the time I was with my family. It's like when I'm home the traveling is a dream... but when I'm here life is different. I'm different. I can't explain it.

I'm so homesick tonight. I feel like this goodbye was the hardest yet. I know that most of my family feels the same way... through the tears shed at the goodbyes. It stinks to be away. It stinks to leave. It stinks to have to leave a vacation. It really stinks to have to fly to Connecticut, by yourself, and come home to an empty apartment. I am homesick.

And then I catch myself asking why? Why am I so homesick? I need to get a grip and know that this is so temporary. That I am here for a reason. That God wants me here. I know I have more faith than this. I know that I not "alone". I know I am never alone. So why is this so hard... especially this time. Why do I let the small things like being homesick get in the way of what God wants to do through me? Why do I challenge HIS plans for my life... for this journey? I think I need to adjust my attitude... and instead of being so sad to be away from family and friends... be thankful that I have them. It's 3 months. It will fly by. In about 6 weeks my mom will be here... and until then there will be many phone and skype dates....and I will be OK.

A few pictures for now...

Beautiful mommy and daughter.



Sisters. She's growing up too fast!



Cousins.. best friends.

I can't get enough of that gummy smile...

Fun. (Grandma loved it...) Memories.

Afternoon naps....

More to come....

I don't think being homesick is wrong... it's what I do with it and how I react to it when I feel it that can be wrong. SO- I will get over this hump, again... and trust the Lord. I will lean on HIM into the night when I feel so stinking lonely- when I have to get reaquanted to the quiet without giggling kiddos... I will be thankful for the time I had with my family this last week. For the laughs we shared... the memories we created. And until I get to see them again- I will cherish those memories- and these pictures. I will be thankful- for change, and growth- even when it is SO hard.